Digital Masquerade

I know I’ve been quiet for a while now but that’s a good thing because it means life….is pretty damn awesome.

Gary and I just wrapped up the Festival of Fear (pictures will be coming this weekend I hope), my sister is moving in next door, my Mom is having a milestone birthday and I got a promotion at work.

Top that off with my always present amazing friends, living with the love of my life Gary, and having my sweet puppy Pandora, I could not be a happier girl.

I’m even wrapping up some projects at work so that mens I’ll be able to spend some time working on the various projects I’m supposed to be doing.   I’m about a month behind on my blog reading but I plan on catching up on that fairly soon so be expecting some random comments from me on old posts.

Today is my baby sister’s birthday. She’s turning…well I’m no supposed to say. Actually I’m not supposed to make a big deal at all about this major birthday. Of course I can’t seem to help myself. This is a fantastic day for my sister. She’s starting a new decade, a new phase in her life and she needs to be reminded that she should enter it laughing, celebrating and probably do a lot of drinking surrounded by friends and family. The ones that love her for every amazing part of her personality.

What you have to understand is that my sister Shannon, she blows me away. She’s smart, gorgeous, funny, caring, empathetic, sympathetic and…well I could go on but I’ll leave it at that because I think you’ve got the picture. I’ve been so very lucky to have two wonderful sisters in my life. They will do anything for me and I for them. We tolerate each other when we’re bitchy and call each other on it, we make each other laugh and cry, we know each others faults and love one another because of them and not in spite of them. We celebrate each other’s successes and wipe away each other’s tears when we have broken hearts or bruised egos.

I feel honoured to be a part of their lives and have them as a part of mine.

Shannon and Tonya have been nothing short of amazing over the last year of having to deal with so many family issues about my dad and mom. I don’t think any one of us could have made it through the last year sane and still speaking to our family if we hadn’t had one another to vent and confess to.

I could very easily ramble on for another 10 paragraphs talking about how incredible my sisters are and how proud and lucky I am to have them. Instead I’ll simply say this to my baby sister Shannon on her 30th birthday…

…Your 30s are going to be filled with laughter and excitement. You are finally coming into your own and your shit is totally coming together. It doesn’t matter where you live, it could be Montreal, Thorold, Toronto or Las Vegas, because you are going to be successful in whatever you do as long as you follow your heart. And your heart? I’m convinced it will find someone to hold and cherish it the way it deserves. That person will only enhance the amazing woman you are and together you will be unstoppable.

Yesterday I was in a closed door client meeting all day with no access to my phone or email.

On the way over to my office for a small meeting with my department I checked my voicemail.

I heard the message from my mom saying that my uncle had died the night before. Then my cell phone died so that was the only message I got.

So, I had no idea that my meeting was canceled for a company wide meeting that was not full of shits and giggles as my Dad would say.

Yesterday was a really bad day.

In some ways it’s been a really bad year with three deaths in less then three months.

I feel especially bad for my Grandmother who has lost her husband and son in less then two weeks.

I just feel so damn heavy and tired. Dealing with the deaths, old family wounds ripping open, work pressure.

I really can’t wait to take a week off when this project is done and do nothing but sleep and cuddle with Gary and Pandora.

I never really had a chance to really know my father’s father since he died when my sisters and I were very young but I never felt as though I grew up lacking the unique love that a Grandfather has for his Grandchildren because I had Grandpa Jimmy.

He was a good man, if sometimes hard to understand, and his presence in our lives affected each of us differently. I won’t presume to speak for anyone else, but for me, I know that my life was blessed to have him in it and I treasure the memories I have of him.

Since Mom told me that he passed away on Thursday night, so many thoughts have been drifting through my mind. It’s been difficult to try and put them down on paper because as soon as one memory surfaces, there are five more hovering, just below the surface demanding my acknowledgment. It’s been difficult sifting through the memories but there are some that are crystal clear and it’s those that I’ve chosen to share with you.

I remember his thirst for knowledge. Before there was Google there was Grandpa. He knew something about every subject and likely had a book to answer any question you might have stashed somewhere in the house.

I remember his James Dean hair. Always coiffed and slicked and for a while, dyed. When I was young, I asked him once if he dyed his hair and he looked at me, horrified that I would even ask such a question. He made it perfectly clear that his raven black hair was completely natural and with a wink, added that the ladies loved it.

I remember when he used to take us shopping how he would shush us if we called him Grandpa, stating that he was much to young and handsome to be a Grandfather. Then we would run into some old acquaintance of his and he would proudly present his granddaughters, completely breaking his own rule.

I remember him helping us start our first penny collection as kids. Handing us the leather bound book with slots for a penny from each year. We used to spend hours dumping out the big brass bucket that held thousands of pennies and meticulously going through them, putting them into their respective slots as he told us which ones were valuable and hard to find.

I remember how we used to sit beside him on the couch and suddenly he would grab our knee and squeeze as we yelled in delight and tried to wiggle out of his iron grasp.

I remember whenever we would say goodbye after a visit we would hug, kiss and I would tell him that I loved him and his response was always “Yep, yep. Love you too” and would give me a pat on the shoulder.

I remember that I always felt secure in the knowledge that he loved me.

I know, without a doubt, even in the difficult times, that he loved each of us in the best way that he knew how.

I love you Grandpa.

Over the last few weekends, my older sister and I have been going to my father’s apartment to get it ready for him to move back. He’s been living with my sister and her boyfriend since his heart attack and now that he’s feeling better it’s time for him to move back out on his own.

You might wonder why it would take two full days to clean a small one bedroom but the problem is that my father refuses to accept that this small apartment is now his home. Since it is not his home, he felt that it was appropriate to treat it as garbage. I understand his why he was feeling this way and before he got sick we let it go, thinking he just needed time to adjust. My sisters and I were hurt because we worked our asses off to get him into this apartment after he spent months living with us because he had no where else to go. We honestly believed that he would start unpacking and making this space his own but months later it never happened.

Instead when my sisters and I would come and visit, nothing had changed. In fact it was getting progressively worse because instead of unpacking anything he would just buy new stuff and the apartment couldn’t hold it all. We would suggest that he unpack his boxes, or organize his paperwork and of course he would yell and scream at us that his apartment was JUST FINE! If we touched anything of his when we were there he would lose his mind.

When he had his heart attack and we went back to his apartment and we couldn’t believe just how bad it had gotten. He was sleeping on the couch because his bed was covered in papers, books and clothes. Everything was still in the same place as where we had left it when we first moved him in 6 months ago. We couldn’t let him move back into the place the way it was because it would just drive him into a deep depression.

My sisters and I had enough and decided to take matters into our own hands.

It took us two full days to clean a very tiny one bedroom apartment. The first day was just tackled the clutter and garbage as well as started cleaning out the kitchen. It took us about 8 hours but when we left we could finally see the tops of his buffet and kitchen table. The second day we unpacked his boxes of books, hung up all of his diplomas over his desk and then his paintings throughout the apartment. We also scrubbed the bathroom, the kitchen and all the floors. I bought him new dishes and a brand new comforter and sheets that we put on his bed after clearing away all the clutter.

When we finished Saturday night, his apartment looked really good. It’s like a mini version of the house we had in Hamilton. Even Gary was impressed with the change when he came back from his wanderings around downtown Hamilton.

While my sister and I feel better about the home atmosphere we’ve created for my Dad, we both fully know that he is going to be mad. Not just mad, but he will have the righteous anger of a father who has been bullied by his daughters. He will rant and rave about how we ruined his organization. How we lost his broken watch, or misplaced this piece of paper. I will likely get calls every day for the first week he comes home with him barely containing his fury as he asks me again if I saw this or that.

And you know what, I don’t care.

My sisters and I are very happy that the place he is moving back into looks like a home. We hope that it will inspire him to be more productive by being surrounded by the things he loves. The true test will be when we visit him every other weekend and we’ll see if he keeps the place up or not.

In my week off I’ve managed to get Gary’s Store up and running (check out his new shirt that we’ll be getting in the new year) and come up with a concept for a new redesign for Digital Masquerade. I still have a lot of work to implement it but overall I’m pretty excited. I did a few other things in my week off, but those two in particular made me feel very accomplished.

I also got to spend some time with a few of my friends I’ve been neglecting and some quality time with Gary. Overall I can’t complain about this week, it’s left me feeling warm and loved.

Right now we’re getting ready to head over to my Mom’s for our Christmas Eve tradition where we gather at my grandmother’s with the whole extended family and talk about our lives. Really, we are all silently judging one another and Gary and I will be the token “freaks” that baffle the family with the fact that we are successful in our chosen careers. I’ve gotten past the point of caring, and am just pleased to be able to be able to spend time with my Mom, sisters, grandmother, the aunts, uncles and cousins that I do adore.

Christmas Day will be an early dinner with my sisters and Dad and then we head over to London to spend the week there. We’ll be back on Friday night, just in time to get ready for my 31st birthday on Saturday.

That was strange seeing my age in writing. I thought when I reached my 30’s I’d be wearing ill fitting pants, knee high nylons, a bad floral shirt and would have teased hair. Thankfully that hasn’t happened…yet.

Have a wonderful holiday everyone…spend time with the people you love and try eat as much holiday baking as you can, because it only happens once a year.

I’m only an hour and 15 minutes away before I start my vacation. Gary is meeting me downtown and after we enjoy some sushi at Hosu Bistro we plan on heading home and just relaxing. I seriously can’t wait. I’ll be busy visiting with my Dad, and sisters, Christmas shopping and a million other things but this is going to be good!! I desperately needed this break.

Despite the obvious things that are bringing me down, I’m really sad that I can’t bring my computer with me when we spend 4 days with Gary’s parents in London. I have so many things I want to do on my site and just organizing my online life in general that those 4 days with no access is making me itch. I can’t wait to spend a full day at my home computer, music blaring, grubby clothes on, lots of coffee and a dog curled up in my lap to do some seriously online overhauling. How nerdy am I that that seems like SO MUCH FUN! I think the strangest/interesting part will be going through all of my past entries and categorizing/tagging them. It’s weird trying to understand the buckets that your life should fit into.

I really wish I could start this tomorrow but I promised my dad I would go down and see him. That is if he is still in the hospital. I have to wait to hear from my sister about that first. The only good thing about going to Hamilton on Saturday is that I can stop by this funky little store in Hamilton that Gary and I really like. Maybe I’ll even take some pictures while we wander the city…if I my stomach can take it. The city makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.

Ok now I have less then an hour to go. It’s amazing how unfocused I am when a vacation is looming over my head. I just spent the last 20 minutes switching between work and this entry. Multitasking is sometimes my worst enemy.

I took the day off work yesterday so that Gary and I could go down to Hamilton and visit with my father. I admit that I went down there expecting the worst. My sister called me yesterday, crying, saying that our father had lost all hope, was still hallucinating and was waiting to die. They also had to use the defibrillator on him several times because he tried to walk around his room and his heart was racing out of control.

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I talked to my sister yesterday and she told me that my father now has pneumonia and is still in the hospital. We’re trying to decide if pneumonia, which is treatable is better then the strange hallucinations my father was having late last week. Then again the chorus line of doctor’s and nurses in the checkered shirts that kept singing and dancing for him was probably very entertaining.

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I would like to thank everyone for their kind wishes regarding my father, it meant a lot to me.

I left work early on Monday and made my way down to Hamilton to see my father. The entire bus trip down my mind would not stop working, shaping the worst possible scenarios. I was constantly weighing the options my family, well my sisters and I, would have against each possible outcome and none of them looked good.

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